Yes, and….
The Importance of small changes in the language we use.
“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.”
― Rudyard Kipling
A common childhood chant is “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We were taught this by well-meaning adults who wanted to “protect” us from the bullies in the school yard.
In reality, words can hurt. We all have learned that hard way that the emotional pain which accompanies words lasts a lot longer than any physical injury.
For much of my life, I clung to the belief that in all communication intent and meaning was all that mattered. I discounted impact. I now realize how wrong I was.
Only we know our own intentions, and even then, not always or fully. Intention is usually not articulated to the other person.
The words we use have an impact on others. Often much more than we ever realize. In addition, the way we speak (and think) has an impact on our view of the world and ourselves.
Paying closer attention to my use of words has revealed to me how I have inadvertently been careless with language. By making a few thoughtful changes and catching myself when I revert to old habits, I have uncovered two major benefits. First, I feel better about myself and my life. Second, I have built stronger relationships in my family, with my work peers and with my friends.
I want to share a few examples with you, that I have found helpful to me. Perhaps they might be useful to you as well.
Be Positive and Additive
1. Replace “But” with “And”: Once we hear the word “but”, most of us are programmed to disregard anything that came before it, especially anything positive. We are waiting to hear a negative statement or something that explicitly negates what was just said.
Using “And” instead ensures the person who said the prior statement will feel heard and respected. Your next comment will land on a much more open-minded person.
2. Learn from Improv. Use “Yes And”: The first rule of improv is to always start a sentence with “Yes And”. The two words together are key. First, by saying “Yes” you are agreeing with your partner. The “And” allow you can add new ideas or elements to the story. Avoid saying “No” or even “Yes But.” These two phrases reduce creativity and shut down others.
I was fortunate enough to be reminded of the power of “Yes And” through a four-week online class led by Hillary Lin of Curio focusing on enhancing mental well-being in innovative ways. It is a timely endeavor during COVID.
Reframing Obligations as Personal Choices
3. Instead of “Have To,” You “Get To”: James Clear, in a tweet dating back to late April 2020 asked his followers to use language deliberately to create a “mindset shift.” The example he gave was changing the wording from “I have to exercise today” to “I get to exercise today.” There are lots of other great examples in that thread.
4. Using “Want” instead of “Should”: The word “should” exudes feelings of guilt. “Should” is the feeling of being forced to act according to the expectations of others (parents, friends, partners, colleagues or society). When you hear yourself saying “should,” ask yourself if you want to do that thing or not. And then make a decision. From a place of personal empowerment.
From the Passive Voice (Victim) to the Active Voice (Owner)
5. “Made Me” is rarely ever true. We’ve all been known to think or say, “s/he made me do it” or “my boss or partner made me angry”. This phrase is part of an effort to shift blame onto another person to justify or excuse our behavior or action. “Made me” suggests a lack of choice, which is almost never the case. Our limbic (reptilian) brain may react so quickly that we don’t ever recall having a choice.
We always do have a choice; sometimes the choice can be a hard one. I’m working to own my actions and decisions. Probably once a week, I remind myself that everything I do (as well as don’t do) are personal choices. It is uncomfortable to recognize (in retrospect), I have made a poor choice.
6. “Try” Sounds Reasonable. And is Dangerous: This is one I trip up on all the time. I know the future is unknown and so say “try” to account for the fact that my actions may not result in the outcome I had committed to or hoped for.
Others hear the word “try” when inserted into a statement as a polite way to not commit to a course of action. And, if others hear it that way, I am fairly certain my brain also hears it that way and is a little less committed to carrying out the action. Even when it is scary, commit to a behavior. A commitment is not a guarantee of success. It does increase the likelihood.
Things are Temporary, will Pass, and can Change
7. Replacing “I am [adjective]” with “I feel [adjective]”: “I am” is often followed by an adjective or phrase describing a state of being such as “angry”, “tired”, “sad” or “happy.” These states of being are all temporary and will change. Using “feel” has helped me realize that “bad” states of being were only temporary and would pass. Simply that realization has helped me cope with negative emotions.
8. Adding a “time frame” to an “I am [noun]” statement. The statements, “I am overweight” or “I missed quota” suggest a permanence to them. Simply adding a time frame at the end such as “today” to the former or “this quarter” to the latter, opens up the possibility of change in the future.
By adding a time frame and suggesting future change is possible, we start of tear down deeply held, albeit false, beliefs about ourselves. This is at the core of Carol Dweck’s work on mindset. Seeing myself as someone capable of changing for the better has had a profoundly positive impact on my personal and professional life.
If we change how we talk to ourselves and to others, by changing the words we use, we will have a positive emotional impact on ourselves and those around us. It is a little thing that can make a big difference over time.
“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”
― Mother Teresa